Monday, March 28, 2005
His dreams were haunted, with dark, glaring images. He tossed and turned in bed, unable to reenter the realm of sleep, the recurring nightmare still fresh in his mind. Like the dripping of water from the tap, the eerily calm "drip...drip" that pervaded your mind, so the nightmare pervaded his sleeping and waking hours, relentless in it attempts to slip into his mind, to catch him unawares. He lived every second, every minute of his life in fear of it, another nameless soul lost in the fabric of time and space. He did not know what justified his miserable existence, like a droplet of water in a vast ocean, of no significance whatsoever to the world around it. Homework was its name ...Haha alright this is a rather exaggerated attempt at describing i-learning week. ((: its not really
that bad, except for the fact that i have yet to complete 5-10 more assignments. Oh well, cant really do anythin about it. Maybe it would help if i was typing a post in the English forum instead of blogging... stress does strange things to your mind. And thats not an exaggeration.
holding on to you.
9:25 PM
Thursday, March 24, 2005
lost innocence. When we were young, we used to be carefree and happy, living in our own simple worlds, having more friends than you could think possible, enjoying our childhood. As we grew up, society made its mark on us, making us more self-centered, more proud, more bitter, mor cynical towards life. We forgot how to treasure relationships, how to care for each other, how to see the needs of others. we became involved in childish quarrels, and criticized without a thought, leaving ourselves unscathed, leaving others in pain. We aimed for the top, and in the process, we cared not for others, only reaching for our goal. We became isolated, divided by gender, by petty likes and dislikes, by race, by religion, by anything that we saw fit to distance ourselves from others. In our own little world, we suffered. Where did our innocence go? Why did our carefree, happy contented lives fall apart? Why did we hurt others, to seek self gain? It all resulted from our selfishness, the innate desire to see oneself placed above others, to seek the highest there was to offer. We lost our innocence, a long time ago. If anyone was in some way hurt by my selfishness, im sorry.
holding on to you.
10:34 PM
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Its almost a week since i last blogged, and in that time, Ive come to see the full spectrum of human emotions, and Ive realised that your never alone in your struggels. When you fail yourself, there's family. When family fails you, there's friends. When friends fail you, there's God above all. Ive realised that its futile to struggle on your own, when there are so many others who are going through the same struggle as you, and who can emphatise with you and who can support you through your pain. It all seems so easy to comprehend, and yet when im down , it all seems so far away. like its all so unrealistic. Pain numbs you too all other emotions, and when you are so deep in your own suffering, you fail to notice anything else. Time wil tell...
holding on to you.
10:47 PM
Monday, March 14, 2005
My life has just been this one big sham, just trying to be someone who ill never be. Ive tried to be who i wanted to become, and not who i really am. Im just full of meaness, and anger and pain. Im tired of trying to be a Mr nice guy, because im not, have never been, and will never be, Who do we put on appearances for? for others. Ive realised that i dont even know who i am inside, and that what i am outside is all a fake. I cant even live up to the image i try to potray. Im just not good enough. All ive been trying to do is to draw attention to myself, to find a place where i could belong. But i realised, you can never be who you arent. Not forever, and in my case, not anymore. Ive just been self righteous, so full of myself, that i didnt see the needs of others, like my sister, my parents, my classmates, my friends and my "friends". Im sorry. I didnt mean to turn out this way. Im sorry to everyone. To myself. I dont want to be who i am not anymore. I dont want to cry when im smiling inside, or to smile when im crying inside. I just want to be myself. Im just insecure. I dont know who i am. I dont know. Ive been irresponsible, and cruel, and selfish. Maybe thats who i am inside. Its just a pity, i guess, that i would turn out this way.
When the time comes to fly,
I’m just like a bird without wings,
Without a voice,
Without a soul,
Without knowing whom I am,
And when that time comes,
I’ll know,
That inside all along,
I’ve been wrong
holding on to you.
5:50 PM
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Im so SCREWED UP. Just so screwed up. Its in times like this that i really need God. Or just someone to talk to . Your just making me feel guilty, sad, bringing me to the verge of tears. Why? Can i not be allowed to have a little time with my friends. Asking to go out for dinner with matthew and nigel for 1 hour isnt alot, is it? Why did you have to make such a big thing about it? Playing on my emotions, using words i said in anger against me, digging up buried stuff? WHY? A child's heart is tender, and YOU just broke it. You make yourself seem like the victim, and that its all my fault, MY FAULT. Its sad that i have to resort to typing this out to make my self heard. There's just too much frustration, and anger, and pain inside of me, and it wont seem to go away. I dont know whether i should hate myself, or hate you. What is there to live for. Im just being consumed by bitterness. I dont want to fight you, i just want to be left alone. What is the whole point of life? to feel rejected and alone? To be hurt and to be messed up? I just need to talk to somone, and let all my feelings out. God, please help me carry on.
holding on to you.
8:39 PM
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
^^ Piano Theory exam is around te corner. Its on saturday to be exact. Yes. Im going to fail it (: Studying 200+ terms/performance directions in one night is going to rival memorising 50 + "zhao ju" in two days. haha. Oh well. Look on the bright side. After this year, ill be done with piano exams for good. Maybe ill go learn the guitar. It seems much easier an instrument to master. (: haha, sorry sean
holding on to you.
6:24 PM
